I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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