Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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