1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
