Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
