If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
