I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize