I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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