What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
