There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize