Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
