A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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