your thong is hanging out like whoa
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
