Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
