just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
