she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
