I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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