I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
