Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
