Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
