When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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