For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
