You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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