My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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