My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
