bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
