it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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