I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
