There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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