I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
