Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
