the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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