i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
