I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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