I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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