I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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