just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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