I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
