I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
