Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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