she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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