I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
