Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
