Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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