You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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