Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
