I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I could make wine with my vomit
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
