we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
