Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
