Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You're so nebulous sometimes
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
