My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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