I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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