help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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