Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
