So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
