Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
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