Cold hands, warm shart.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
