fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
