My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
