Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
